Something has been eating at me a bit lately, and I need to unleash a little inner Lewis Black…if there were a polite version.

It seems whenever talk turns to discussions of piracy and DRM (And frankly, it’s a little too often these days), all reason and forethought goes out the window. It quickly degenerates in to a ridiculous screaming match between people on one side and the other of the ‘debate’, showing all the collective maturity of your average toddler in need of a diaper change.

On behalf of the vast number of us who, as in most discussions, aren’t ‘picking a side’ as though it’s a game of dodgeball, can we PLEASE try to stick to reason?

That goes for you, software/media companies.

A pirated download of your game or movie or CD or whatever else DOES NOT equate to a lost sale. Sure, perhaps SOME of those people may have been convinced to make a purchase, but most wouldn’t. Ever.

Attention music industry…your attempts to put the genie back in to the bottle are not working. Your entire business model has shifted. Either you shift and adjust how you do business, or you will vanish from the surface of the Earth. It really is that simple. Currently, your constant attempts to change the way people access your product and ranting about ‘them damn kids and their computers’ make you sound like some aged codger yammering on about the good old days and wondering why the grandkids don’t visit much anymore.

Attention movie industry…you’re stuck so far behind the times that the record companies look hip and cool in comparison. If you’re worried about your escalating costs, perhaps you should stop giving Eddie Murphy $10 million to put on a fat suit and play seven different characters all completely lacking in anything resembling humour. And perhaps embrace some sort of online distribution model! Even the big music labels have recognized that’s not a bad idea.

And oh, game publishers, can we perhaps share a few words?

First of all, let’s try being honest shall we? If you ARE using a specific type of DRM, could you please share that fact with your customers? More and more of you seem to be getting better in this regard, but it would be nice if such disclosure were a universal truth, rather than a pleasant surprise.

And if you DO devise a DRM system, could you maybe seem to know how exactly it’s going to work? Don’t answer a question like Ubisoft did in this interview regarding their new server system. When asked how much progress would be lost in one of their games if the (required) net connection to the Ubi servers were lost during game play, they replied with :

“You’ll have to wait for the reviews, and to hear what your peers are saying.”

No, here’s a crazy idea…why don’t YOU tell me? After all, it’s your system, so it seems to me that the onus of fact is upon you in a matter such as this. Stop talking around questions. It’s obnoxious, and it makes it appear that you have something to hide.

And then we come to the biggest users of hyperbole and exaggeration and mistruth…consumers.

Oh yes, consumers. Now, most of you are pretty much like me…you seek out information and make an informed purchasing decision and move on with your life. Perhaps you comment on how you feel about a particular company or DRM scheme or what not, but that’s the extent of it. What is to follow is not intended for you.

Returning to the Ubisoft example, can someone explain to me why a large portion of those excoriating Ubi for apparently hating humanity because their system requires a constant Internet link are ALSO looking forward to Starcraft 2? You know, the Starcraft 2 that will also require permanent Internet access as it’s directly interwoven with Blizzard’s Battle.net client? Ah, the hypocrisy…it’s the worst thing ever when it affects a game they’re sorta kinda in to, but when it affects something they LIKE…well, the exact same thing is suddenly just fine! This sort of ludicrous double standard is splattered all over Internet gaming forums on a constant basis, and it’s ridiculous.

Also, can we perhaps keep one foot in the land of perspective when making comparisons? I have seen Ubi’s server connection requirement actually compared with Nazi Germany and rape.

If you have ever made either of these claims (or something similarly stupid), you need a time out. Go sit in the corner and come back when you’re willing to actually think before saying something. Am I a fan of the Ubi plan? No…I also wouldn’t compare it to an act of brutal sexual assault, or a regime who helped bring about a global conflict and nearly exterminated an entire race.

And then there are those who hilariously overstate the place an entertainment product holds in terms of ‘rights’. I was engaged in a discussion on a gaming forum recently, talking about the Ubisoft system. I made the point that if you don’t like, simply don’t buy in to it, but that gaming is not an intrinsic fundamental right. Someone else responded that apparently, yes it is.

Last I checked, there wasn’t much support for including Freedom to Game alongside Freedom of Speech and Freedom of Expression. Again, can we PLEASE use our brains just a little?

You do not have a right to entertainment products. You do not need them to live. Frankly, if you think that you do, you have much bigger problems in your world than a DRM system messing with your day. The sun won’t hurt you…try going out occasionally.

And then we come to the piracy issue. Look, many people out there have pirated something from time to time. A lot of people do it habitually. If you do, PLEASE at least just fess up to it without the need for bizarre justifications. Let’s go through a couple of those.

“I pirated it because it costs too much.”

So…what you’re saying is that the rule should be “Can’t afford something? Take it anyway.”

I realize that we inhabit a culture with a rather disturbing taste for ‘credit’ as though that equals actual money. That doesn’t mean I can just start taking stuff if I can’t afford it. Can’t afford a game? Then you don’t get to play it. Sorry, but that’s how the world works. This is one of the silliest ‘justifications’ for something that I have ever seen, yet it continues to appear. Should games perhaps cost less than they do? That’s a discussion worth having. Does that mean you can somehow ‘prove’ a need for lower prices by pirating the product you feel is too expensive? No, because that simply doesn’t make any sense.

“I pirated it because I don’t like the DRM they used on it.”

I see…so if we don’t agree with a decision made by a company, we can just take the thing we want from them? This is usually paired up with some sort of Dubya-esque comment about how “This’ll show ‘em!”

Welcome to the adult world. Don’t like something about a product, and want to tell the company so? Don’t buy it…and tell them why! Try actually composing a letter and send it to them (and good grief, write something a bit more coherent than WAAUUGGHH! followed by 16 pages of threats of what you will do to their pet dog). That is how an adult gets their point across. The only point shared by you pirating something is that you’re a pirate…it stops there, because you just became part of a bloated piracy rate stat for that company to use to justify their DRM systems down the line.

Hilariously, these same people are usually the ones also making the perfectly legitimate point that a pirated download is not a lost sale. In essence, you are then telling that company that you aren’t a lost sale…so why would they care what you think of them or their product, again? You can be a reasonable grown up with an ability to think…or you can be The Decider. Your call.

What is my point here? EVERYBODY needs to take a deep breath and CALM DOWN.

Companies are angry because they’re losing money. Consumers are angry because companies are taking them for granted. Well, there’s two choices here. We can keep yelling at each other across a gaping divide and have nothing change, or we can ALL grow up a little and show just the slightest ability to give a bit.